Sunday, January 11, 2015

12 Things Every Tank Should Always Do (a.k.a How to Make Your Healer Rage Quit in Five Minutes or Less)

Never wait for your healer. Especially if they want mana.
1) Pull as many things as quickly as possible. Hell, don't even wait to make sure the healer queued into the instance. Just go!

2) Ignore everything the healer says.  Especially if it's about mana. Mana is a crutch. Tanks don't need much mana, and tanks get hit in the face all the time and are fine !

3) Chain pull like you're on a goddamn timer.  Even better, chain pull around corners, it's like hide and seek with the healer! They'll appreciate it! Keeps things fun.

4) Even when not chain pulling, keep moving. Healers HATE standing still and casting, so keep things moving constantly!

5) If the healer can give you a hard-cast buff (such as Fortitude or Might), constantly ask for it, even when you have it. Better yet, ask Restoration Shamans for mastery. Makes them feel like they're helping.

6) Healers love suggestions from tanks on which spell to cast. Always suggest a different way to heal, or tell them which spell to use.

7) Stand in everything you can possibly find that will hurt you.

Always stand JUST outside of blue circles.
8) Do not, under any circumstances, stand in the following: a blue circle, a shocky hammer, a white and yellow glowing shape, a yellow bubble or green circles. Just to be safe, stand as far away from any green snake statues and any blue totem-looking things. And for gods sake don't click on the lightwell!

9) Don't use cooldowns. Ever. Healers like to feel like everything is up to them.

10) Just for funsies, be in the wrong presence, stance or spec. What fun is it for the healer if you have all the threat? Liven up the party, don't hold all the aggro.

11) Healers don't like loot.  They have no interest in taking the time to stop and loot bosses or trash for potential gold or items they can use.  Do not give them time to do this, they'll get bored.  They're there just for you, after all.

12) When you wipe to any of the things above, always blame the healer. Clearly they weren't doing their job, after all. Bonus points if the healer dies in the commission of any of the above actions.
Bonus points if you get your healer killed.